I dont know what is happening with my life. i feel like nono and cole are helped me get past it but i dont know what is happening to me cause i dont know what my feelings are anymore.

gone.

i dont get it. i always go on your blog hoping you'll open up to me. but i know it wont ever happen. ever again. and i get it. but i dont know it's all very interesting because even though i know it wont happen, i have that hope. andlike im being dumb.. but meh. i cant do anything about it. i know you are in love with him and you dont love me no more. i know. same with me. though i dont love anyone. but i know i dont love you no more but i still reallllyyyy wanna be friends with you. but i dont want to be like forcing things. i forced way to much and i feel like im being annoying. but i dont wanna be like that no more. im more chill now. i've changed after you left me. from time to time im like why did i let you go? but im glad i did. annd i wonder what ahppened if i said no when you wanted to leave me. i know it's not the best for me to continue ranting. but yeah. jeff li he'll be good to you. i know of it. i dont feel any sadness or anything. not happy not sad not angry not joy. nothing. i feel nothing.

recently i've been watching something really funny. it's soo funny. running man is the best. Suits is the best too.

i hated him with all my energy all my might with everything. i think i had a hate boner for you 2. but like now i've let go of what you guys did though iknow you two are good im good. my sight was in the wrong direction. there should only be one direction i look at. but i was looking at the other 359 angles.

i've started smoking agian. but imma quit again. i thought it was stress but it's not. i have nothing to stress about to ruin my life. smoking ruins life. i drink a lot now. i get fucked up too much. but it's all gone now. what can i do? i have no desire at all not for anything. not even to live. i have no desire to do well. nothing.

gone.

it's been 2 months

since i last wrote. and like now im totally apathetic about most things. especially the relationship aspect. But im glad now. because i know the next person i date will be the one i marry. talking about marriage is weird. especially oo today is valentines day yeah it's weird talking about marriage wwhen you're single on valentines day. lol but  i know because many people have told me the next one will be the one. im glad. im happy for a couple too. no matter how much i hate/disapprove them, im really glad they're together because it's not me like im not in the relationship. i was the problem in the relationship and i know and i need to change that. soo many thing have i done wrong. And right now no matter how much i want a relationship, im glad im not in one. i dont think i will be in one for the next 2-3 years because i lose sight of where im going. and im too immature to be in one. i will be in a relationship when im a man. A man of God.

Relationships aside. Today im super happy. I found out that one of my roommates will be evicted on the first of march! thats something to be celebrated! i sound mean but for some context, he's been constantly harassing the house not in a sexual way but like the way we live. he's always a drunk. he steals food from us all the time. Borrows money and not pays back. Take booze without asking and not telling after until he is asked. super aggressive when he's drunk (which is always like i said a bit before) and life would be much better without him.

Life is like a branch on a vine; If the branch is connected well and completely, the branch will gain nutrients from the vine and will continue living. The purpose of the branch is to bear fruit. If the branch does not bear fruit then there is something wrong with the branch, whether if it is infected with something bad or if it is in a bad environment, well there's many different ways for a branch to not grow fruit. So the branch needs to either cut off that infected part or place it in a better environment, whatever is needed for it to grow fruit. If the branch still does not produce fruit, it is a waste of space and nutrients that the gardener will just cut it out and burn it.

Happy Birthday JANE!

theres soo much to talk about! first is like i hope you're doing well! i've seen you once or twice throughout this semester! heheheh.. Miss me? hehe jaykay! i dunno im really happy today. i guess i finished my exams today!

Lifes good now!

My birthday present for you today is Im officially done. When i think about you, which is rarely now, i smile cause i know you're happy now. Im over you. that sounds really bad im sorry but now i can move on! happy birthday to you! and Merry christmas to me! Best of luck with your future! hehehehheheh

-Jeffrey Chan (:

MY COUSIN

SOOO CUTE WHAT A CUTEY PIE!
Him and his wife are sooo cute! (:

This weekend

This weekend was interesting, jason and vanessa came to visit! well jason came for me and vanessa came for kenny. but it was interesting because i dont think jason and i really bonded that well before like in a long time. jason and i talked.. it was interseting cause it's like girl talk but like we talk about our lives as we try to fall asleep well i was trying to fall asleep atleast lol. we started to talk 230ish in the morning andt hen talked until 5-530 in the morning. it was a very good talk i dont know why but we talked about many things that were going on in my mind. such as i dont understand how people like me so much well not like in a romantic way but like i guess alot of people like me cause "im really likable." well i guess cause im quite good friends with my roommates i guess.

theres this girl that is one of my roommate's friend and she is like going through a recuperation of a break up and i guess im jsut like trying to help her. i dont see her more than a friend and i like that cause i like listening. but people jsut dont really like sharing with me (: im fine with that lol. i dont know whtat im saying but she's an intersting friend. im just listening and i dont think that he is worth her time.

but i am similar-ish to that dude. cause like i have done things that hurt my ex alot. and i dont know how to compensate for it though i want to. sometimes i dont know what im doing life.  well i have a sense of life direction. i know what i wanna do...

i enjoy life. im happy. but i miss the past sometimes. i love. i hate. Love Hate. they're not opposites.

Road to Apathy. Here i go.

A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more